Didn't you know it was "ME?"

“If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself”

George Orwell

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Who knew it was me?

Did you know it was me?

Lying there - helpless, afraid, alone.

Somebody had to know it was me.

Pain fired through me

the moment I lifted myself off the floor.

Every breath,

a struggle.

Every step,

a battle.

Nothing felt real.

My soul – numb.

Everything hurt.

Just pain.

And the weight

of everything I'd carried too long.

I was drained.

So, I rested.

Hoping to replenish the strength I'd lost.

Six months along –

Life inside of me,

Barely holding on.

A child I could've lost.

Feet swollen.

Breasts burning.

Head throbbing.

Heart-breaking.

It struck a chord –

low, deep.

Like grief I never permitted to grow.

Didn't you know it was me?

Lying there - helpless, afraid, alone

Didn't you know it was me?

Somebody had to know it was me.

Then she moved.

A gentle flutter –

like a whisper from within.

Soft and sure.

 "I'm ok."

And just like that,

I knew:

It was time to walk away.

Not just from that room.

Not just from that place –

but from that unwanted adaptation of me.

I imagined what life might look like

On the other side of this pain.

With you in my arms.

Your brother smiling.

With peace.

And I vowed to myself to make it.

For you.

For him.

For me.

To the end of nine months.

I had to survive.

Because I REFUSED –

To let this be the end of my story.

I had fought too hard.

Endured too much.

There had to be more than this for me.

A new beginning.

A clean slate.

And by God –

I was going to claim it.

Because when the dust settled,

And people whispered,

And stories twist in their attempt

to rewrite my name into silence –

No one should be able to say:

"Didn't you know it was her?

Lying there - helpless, afraid, alone

Somebody had to know it was her!"

Worst thing is –

 You didn't have to know.

I ALREADY KNEW IT WAS ME!

And I was afraid to tell you!

Kerique Hoo-Kim