Operation of the "Galaxy Affair"

“Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power. If you realize that, you have enough, you are truly rich.”

Lao Tzu

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It started like this: every morning, he would pick me up for class. For the whole way, we held hands together letting go if needs be (for the staring wheel of course). His commitment to making that trip every morning, made me see him so much more. It showed me the type of person he wanted to be. The person he tried to be. But even in all that trying, he knew deep inside it was all a lie.

He wasn’t the only one that knew though, I knew too. And let's all face it, at some point or another, we all hid something that didn't make us proud to be who we were. I smiled big outside, but I cried in my heart. Because the man I loved was tearing me apart. I thought I could fix him, so I tried my hardest. But the more I fixed, the more broken he became.

He straddled between two worlds: mine and hers. And you could tell that he was tired. Why didn’t he stop? Why didn’t he choose? Was I not worth it to him? What was he afraid to lose?

From her bed to my heart he flew every morning without thinking twice. I knew I was crazy to let him fool me and I paid the price. Because I lied to myself daily knowing that I wasn’t ready to let him go. I wasn’t ready to destroy him even though he was killing me.

What trauma convinced me and told me that my authentic self was a lie and my pretense true? How many masks was I going to wear to entertain the lies I acted like I never knew? Wasn’t I tired? Didn’t I want more? When would it stop?

I WAS TIRED!

I DID WANT MORE!

But I rested in his arms anyway, and I laid my head on his chest, knowing that my inability to make appropriate decisions and be rational, would prove how imprudent I had let myself become. And I questioned would my sacrifice be worth it? Would he finally see me? The enigma that surrounded this affair of the heart troubled me greatly, because I had now compromised myself, and I did it for nothing.

The complications of the human mind, heart, body and soul, reflects the beautiful mysteries of God. Why would God, promise us something so beautiful, just to have it polluted and abused by immature minds and self-destructive individuals, who wouldn't know the value of something this sacred even if was clearly shown in front of them?

I have wondered, how could the thing that I fell in love with as a child, felt like it wanted to become a lifetime sentence, courtesy of a man who was ignorant of the significance and beauty of this phenomenon… “LOVE.”

What was it that drew him to me? What was it that made me let him in?

It is often said that you attract what you are. And I attracted him, a broken man. This meant that a part of me was broken. And I handed the keys of my soul to a devil, who was pretentious enough to beguile me into thinking that he “loved me.” A leech had now gotten the opportunity to attach himself to a wound he had no business caring for.

Every day, he sucked my joy away. Every day, he sucked the love from within me. Every day, he murdered the happiness that covered me.

And I let him go free because I had no idea what to do without him!

Something made me ashamed. Something made me feel as though I was incapable of being loved or giving love. That thing that I secretly tucked away…the one I dear not even whisper was the enemy that betrayed me.

I BETRAYED: “ME”

It was not a comfortable feeling hiding away. I hated trying to be something that I wasn't. I hated being someone else's explanation and target practice for the reasons they hated themselves...I hated the fact that I hated "me" for not being strong enough to choose “me.”

Shadows followed me to get me to gain some insight and they wouldn’t leave me alone. The more they showed up, the more I got angry. Anger led to frustration and frustration to resentment. I had no peace.

And then I remembered and understood why “I didn't intend to be quiet. Why I intended to be loud. Not in a fit of rage but in a way that would make him understand that I had had enough."

It was because I refused to lose any more of myself to this madness.

These shadows that followed me were of love, joy, happiness, peace, freedom, liberation. They haunted me day and night. Giving me feelings of discomfort, driving the thoughts in my mind that would signal me to see that I deserved more, that I deserved “ME”.

"Operation of the Galaxy Affair" was not for him. IT WAS FOR ME!

It meant that I needed to fall in love with "ME" again. I needed to be "HAPPY" with “ME” again. It meant that I needed to have a billion beautiful pieces of me sticking and magnetizing together to form an unbreakable attracted love affair with myself.

Because…

If I loved ME...

IF. I. LOVED. MYSELF,

trapping me IN MY BROKENNESS couldn't be his Achilles Heel anymore. He would no longer be allowed to access my switchboard; he would be completely denied.

So, I started to love "MYSELF"

And for me to start healing so I could become whole, I had to start getting to know myself again falling in love with myself again...because it was the things that I hated about me that drew him close and I needed that hate…TO DIE!!!

So, he could GO!

Until next time…

Kerique Hoo-Kim